Jumping In!

Originally posted May 25, 2007

OK so I set up this blog account way back on December 23, I was really excited and I was thinking that as soon as the Christmas rush was over, I’d be blogging away. And I found that, like so many things in my life, the planning and anticipation are much less work than the actual doing of the thing. Every time I thought about sitting down to actually write something, there was always an excuse, usually just not feeling like having to do the work involved. Not that it is really hard to sit here and type, but it requires some thought and some time and a willingness to share with the whole world. A frightening concept, to think that once I post this, it is out there for all of the world to see, and there will be no taking it back. Maybe that is the real reason that I’ve put this off for so long.So here it is, almost the end of May and this is my first real post. I read something from John Eldridge last week, about how we tend to think about what God is NOT giving us, instead of what He IS giving us. We all know how true this is, not one of us can ever be grateful enough for what He has given us and what He has done for us. Still…I wonder why it is so incredibly easy for me to be dissatisfied. Why is it so easy to dwell on what I don’t have instead of what I do have? So easy to compare myself and my life to others, and concentrate on what others have that I wish I had? And I’m not necessarily talking about material things either. Sure, I wouldn’t mind having new car and being thinner. But, I wish I were more generous, less selfish, more loveable, one of those people that are just so kind and …good. You know the people I’m talking about.

I talked to a friend this morning whose 12 year old son, who up until this year has been an incredibly intelligent, sensitive, spiritual, deep thinking young man, has been getting into fist fights and bragging to his friends about his bad grades and how much time he has spent in the guidance counselor’s office. Apparently, in his circle of friends this is way cool and acceptable, something to be proud of (hey, we all have to have goals.) We discussed how difficult it is to explain to a 12 year old that people’s opinions really don’t matter, that we should be aiming to please God. And how those boys will drop him in a split second at the first whiff of trouble, but our God is One Who never leaves us (even when we deserve it.) Yes, how do you explain that to a 12 year old who is in the midst of hormonal turmoil and is careening toward the season of teenage angst, when so many 40 year olds I know (including myself) struggle with this very thing? I am very aware of the amount of time and energy I expend on wondering what people think of me, how I look, and whether I appear successful and put together enough. I know in my head that the only opinion that counts is God’s, but honestly, honestly, I worry more about the people around me than my heavenly Father and His Son, my Savior. I need to get that into my heart and really and truly believe it. And realizing that just makes me feel like I am really immature. Honest, but immature. While I am busy worrying about other people, and running around in circles to project the right “image”, I am way too distracted to be and become the person that God meant me to be. You know what they say- if the devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.

Post Script- I actually wrote this yesterday, terrified to “send it out there”, afraid to let the world inside my head and heart. I am trying not to let fear dictate my life- here goes…!