Coming Clean Part II: The Bad

Again, I wonder how much I detail I want to get into regarding the reasons we left our church. In fact, I started working on this post a week ago. I keep looking at it and re-reading it- I’m just not quite sure the direction I want to take this. To make a laundry list of everything that went wrong would make it seem that nothing good happened at our old church. But, in fact, there was much good fruit there, which made the decision to leave extremely difficult. It is, in fact, why so many have stayed there and continue to endure abuse, manipulation and control by the leadership.

I had been seeing red flags regarding arrogance, slander, elitist attitudes, and divisiveness from the very top of the leadership ladder. I saw people (especially young people, since the pastor’s wife was also the youth pastor), mistreated, emotionally manipulated, and slandered in front of entire groups of people. And no one said anything, we all just stood there. Why? Because no one dared speak out against the pastor or his wife. We were taught the “thou shall not touch the Lord’s anointed” lesson over and over. In fact, the pulpit became the perfect place to get this message across when the pastor and his wife felt threatened or if someone was not falling in line. Fear ruled- if you did not fall in line, you were sure to be the next one maligned in the pastor’s kitchen. Yet there was also the flattery, to your face you were told how wonderful you were and how much they loved you, in order to draw you in, gain your confidence, make you feel as if you were part of the inner circle. And it worked. Quite well, actually. It worked on me, and it was one of the things that I needed to repent for- that at the beginning, before it dawned on me that if she would talk about others to me, she was talking about me to others, I allowed myself to be drawn in. And I so easily believed the lies that were told about others. Of course, the flip side is that now that we have left, those left behind are believing the lies told about us. And I had to repent for all of the times when I was witness to the gossip and slander and said nothing. I told myself that it wasn’t gossip, because I was in the inner circle and she was confiding in me, she must trust me, and I wouldn’t repeat it (and I did not). But I knew that just listening was just as wrong as spreading the gossip. For this participation I am truly sorry.

There was perfection paraded as “excellence.” I have seen many gifts wasted because no one could measure up to the neurotic expectations of the pastor’s wife. No matter what anyone ever tried to do for a ministry, for an event, etc, it was never good enough for her. Which might not have been such a big deal except that she could never keep the details of everyone else’s inadequacies to herself. It didn’t take long for me and many others to figure out that no matter what we did, it wouldn’t be good enough. So we stopped trying. When it came down to it, the leadership did not want people to develop their gifts too much. Consciously or unconsciously, I think there is a fear that if people grow too much, they won’t need the “spiritual leadership” of those in charge any more, and those in charge might lose their control. (I put “spiritual leadership” in quotes because I think their idea of such was more along the lines of coercion, bullying, and subtle manipulation than guidance, advice, and gentle admonishment.) Actually, I have pity on this woman because I think it must be very difficult to live in her skin. I think she can never live up to her own expectations for herself, and she seems to spend her life “doing good” so that God will like her more.

It became impossible to be ourselves, because we could never be sure what would get back to the pastor and his wife. My husband, my teenage daughter and I had to always be vigilant about what we said and who we said it to, because if the pastor’s wife found out and she didn’t like it, it would be broadcast to several members of the youth group and the inner circle. We not only had to worry about what we said, but I found myself having to keep quiet about any details in our personal lives, because she was so critical. For example, when a man in our church was for a while consistently missing church because he’d gotten a job where he had to work most Sundays, the pastor’s wife let it be known that SHE wouldn’t ever take a job where she’d have to miss church (lucky for her she was never the one responsible for putting food on her family’s table.) Members of the youth group and adult members were told who in the church they should not associate with. If 2 college aged members of the youth group decided that they wanted to see each other and the pastor’s wife/youth pastor did not approve, there was gossip, manipulation, the use of the pulpit for condemnation.

The pastor is another whole story. He is a man who talks about how humble he is (doesn’t telling people that automatically negate the humility???!!!) I have heard him on at least 2 separate occasions say from the pulpit “I don’t have any sin in my life”. He talks about his integrity, yet my husband and I and several of our friends have caught him in lies (which he will deny, because he really doesn’t even know that he’s lying, he just lives in his own little reality where he is the king). We are aware of some financial dealings which are not “kosher”. He has had no problem telling us and others in the church about what he considered to be the assistant pastor’s shortcomings. He has perpetuated rumors that our worship leader stole money from the church, even when an independent investigatory committee concluded otherwise (more on that later.) Worst of all, as I mentioned his wife is the youth pastor, and he is completely unable to be objective in that area. Many people have had serious and credible issues with her, but woe be to the person who attempts to broach that subject with the pastor. Many, many have tried to talk to him, but he will have none of it.


There was so much more than this going on, and my mind has consciously or subconsciously forgotten much of it, a way of preserving my peace and sanity, I suppose. Sometimes I wish I had written it all down, because it’s easy to forget it all. And I guess that’s good, it makes it easier to move on when you’re not constantly dwelling on the details. But when the doubt starts to creep in, when I start to wonder whether we were actually the ones who were deceived and whether our decision was a fleshly one based on our desire to leave an uncomfortable situation, I wish I had a master list that I could quickly refer to and say, “Oh yes, that’s it right there in black and white.” A Former Leader expressed these same doubts. These doubts are a result of manipulation by the leadership, a kind of brainwashing, if you will, and a tactic of the enemy to keep us imprisoned in legalism and religiosity. I posted a lengthy response to this on that blog entry.