I have spent a long time laying out our story because I want there to be no room for doubt concerning why we finally felt that we must go. I think it is clear that there was spiritual abuse going on, and I have not even mentioned any of the information we received regarding the appearance of financial impropriety. Maybe I appear a little defensive about our decision to leave. Actually, I feel defensive, probably a result of the manipulation that we endured. When we did announce that we were leaving, the pastor told us that in a year we would have the same problems in whatever church we were in (read: we were highly critical, unforgiving, easily offended, spiritually immature, and destined to be “church hoppers” because we would always find something wrong where ever we went.) Never mind that we had been there almost 4 years, and those families who had left at approximately the same time, because of the same issues, had been there for 8 – 10 years each.
Around November of last year was the beginning of the end for us, when our church life (and it was a pretty big chunk of our entire lives) began to unravel. I had been seeing things at our church and with the leadership for a couple of years that just didn’t seem right. However, I got the “do not touch my anointed” and “those of us in leadership are way more spiritual than you and have more information than you” speeches a lot. I was left to scratch my head and wonder, am I just crazy? Are they right? Am I rebellious, immature? Am I the problem here?
In August of 2006, I was accused of saying things against the pastor’s wife that I did not say, and I knew these accusations came about due to the manipulation of a relatively new believer, and I had had enough. Actually, I was less angry about what they were claiming that I had said than I was furious about how they had coerced a “confession” from this tender soul. It took everything in my power not to RUN. Every fiber of my being was screaming RUN RUN RUN! But I had been taught the dangers of being easily offended and I didn’t want to be an immature “church hopper”, acting simply out of my flesh. (John Bevere’s book “The Bait of Satan” is certainly valuable, but in our church it was constantly misused to clobber anyone who dared disagree with the pastor or his wife. It didn’t matter what kind of pain was inflicted upon you or your loved ones, the answer was simply to not be offended and to forgive. Very convenient when you are the one who always seems to the one who is offensive.) Also, my husband and kids were settled in this church and we all had friends there and did not want to leave.
I found myself constantly confused, sure that I was seeing what I now recognize as spiritual abuse. My head felt like a ping pong ball, constantly tossed back and forth. Am I deceived? Are they deceived? How can others not see these problems? They must be right because they are in ministry and so spiritually mature (as they told us over and over and over again.) I must be really immature. I really need to repent. But isn’t it wrong to gossip and spread rumors about people and be generally mean spirited and try to control other people’s children- no matter how long you’ve been in ministry or how long you’ve been saved? One thing is for sure- the enemy thrived on my confusion, created it in fact. I was rendered useless for the kingdom at that point, because my mind, energy, and emotions became consumed. And the confusion fed itself, because in recognizing my ineffectiveness, I wondered if it was my fault, something I had created in my own mind.
I had an extremely difficult time differentiating between conviction and condemnation. Was God trying to teach me something? Was the enemy deceiving me, playing tricks on me? The different sides of the story replayed in my head constantly and took over every waking (and often dreaming) thought. I really believed that maybe I was just crazy. After all, there were plenty of people whom I liked and respected, people I considered friends, buying into the “submit to authority always” bit. I began to pray for clarity. I asked God to show me any wrong attitudes or beliefs that I had, and that if I was indeed correct about the evil I thought I was seeing, to please provide concrete confirmation. I just wanted to know once and for all if I was all wrong, or if I was somehow seeing things that it seemed no one else was seeing.
In November of 2006, God answered my prayer.
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2 comments:
I find this entry of yours very interesting as I can relate this to a section in the bible, the story of Jezabel, of how she got her King to kill a Godly man over a piece of prime land, and then later on she being punished by God. I think, this story would be able to show that even believers themselves can be so hunger for wealth and power to the point of killing others for them.
Don't loose faith in God. He hears your prayer and justice will come upon those who use his name in vain.
Just popping in to say you're not alone... many of us have been there too and are watching your story unfold. The writing is therapeutic, and bit by bit it helps to get it out.
Gratia vobis et pax,
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